Sunday, May 12, 2013

Fake Fighting Digest -- WWE Roundup (Raw 5/6/13 & Smackdown 5/10/13): Ryback Nip-Slips and The Great Khali Just Generally Being Awesome

RAW 5/6/13

-God dammit, Cena.  It's not bad enough you co-opted Daniel Bryan's "YES!" chants while he was fighting in a match that you cost him?  You had to cut an ENTIRE PROMO based on co-opting his chants?  This is incredibly annoying, even for you.  I can't even believe I just said that but there it is.
-THANK YOU VICKIE *clap clap clapclapclap*
-Seriously, though, I'm really starting to love Vickie and her "EXCUSE ME"s.  Not so much that "Cougar" necklace, though.
-Seriously, though, John Cena is ten years old.  There are few things in wrestling less compelling than him insulting people.  In five minutes he has derided Ryback for "running away screaming like a little girl" because he wisely decided against a match against The Shield that most likely would have ended up with him getting the crap kicked out of him, called him a "complainer" for calmly explaining his legitimate issues with Cena, done a super fucking clever impression of Ryback that involved snorting, and told Vickie that no one should have to see her panties in spite of the fact that no one other than him actually suggested showing her panties to anyone.  All that's left is for him to tell him his breath stinks and call him "jack."
-Last Man Standing!  I love it except for the fact that John Cena will now end up winning the match by standing on one leg.  But it's a brilliant choice by Ryback after Cena idiotically waived the right to name the stipulation in the match.

Co-opting gimmicks, making horrible decisions, and making idiotic insults?  All in a day's work...



-I love the idea that Lesnar and Heyman could "invade" WWE Corporate against the wishes of WWE.  Like they don't have a fucking ARMY of police and security at their disposal.  I also love the fact that this "Breaking News" is being spread out over the course of the next three hours.

Randy Orton v. Damien Sandow
-AGAIN?  Jesus.
-Damien Sandow's song was the best part of this entire Raw.  Pure brilliance.  He says what we're all thinking!  So much this...



-"HEINOUS AND IGNORAMUS DON'T EVEN RHYME!"  Jerry Lawler was apparently watching TNA Impact this past Thursday.  That or he doesn't know what the word "rhyme" means.  I'm leaning toward the latter.
-Is there any way in which that wasn't the EXACT same match these two had on Smackdown?
-Lawler: "I don't think I've ever seen Randy Orton look as good as he does right now."  I've always thought wrestling was one big soap opera for adult males.  Lawler has taken it one step further, coming down with an apparent case of explosive amnesia.

Fandango v. R-Truth
-These jokes about Fandango's name doing anything for ya?  Fandango has a dumb name I suppose would be the main bullet point of this presentation.
-I feel like being forced to lose to R-Truth is some sort of WWE punishment.

-I love The Shield but can we get more people to talk openly about how they never seem to explain what this concept of "justice" actually means to them?  Also more Daniel Bryan talking.
-WWE is really shoehorning Ryback into this cowardly heel role.  Here's a guy who has NEVER backed down, who has effectively steamrolled through the entire WWE...until he started feuding with John Cena.  Suddenly he's backing out of matches and refusing to fight guys because they're not 100% "for their own good."

Alberto Del Rio v. Dolph Ziggler
-Am I the only one that thinks Jack Swagger has one of the best entrance themes in wrestling?
-Every time the crowd chants "U-S-A!" at Jack Swagger I die a little inside
-I cannot express how much I love the fact that Zeb Coulter knows more about Cinco de Mayo than almost anyone in America.  It's NOT Mexican Independence Day and it DOES commemorate their defeat of the French when they came to collect a debt from Mexico by force.
-"Del Rio, I think he has a little bit of experience using a ladder..." I'm ashamed to admit that made me pee a little.  You gotta hand it to WWE, they know their racism.  They have lots of experience.
-Oh my God that reverse superplex...
-HOLY SHIT JACK SWAGGER JUST LADDER-FUCKED EVERYONE WITHIN A TWO-MILE RADIUS...




-I said it last week and I'll say it again: the work these seven people (Del Rio, Ziggler, Swagger, Rodriguez, Coulter, AJ, Big E) have done together over the last month has been superb.  This episode of Raw was no exception.  Take notes, WWE talent, THIS is how you build up a PPV.  (I'm looking at you, two guys that have been doing this longer than anyone on the Extreme Rules card and for the past month have been engaged in the fake fighting equivalent of the Monty Python argument sketch)

-According to Kaitlyn, her anonymous secret admirer whom she has never met "gets her" because he can quote The Simpsons.  I was gonna make fun of her but honestly, that's all I really look for in a woman.
-I'm having a hard time getting behind Kaitlyn.  At best she's "not terrible" at what she does.  She's outrageously sexy and she tries hard and when she talks it's far more tolerable than every other non-AJ Diva talking but she only looks good because every other Diva actually IS terrible.  In fairness, I've never seen her wrestle but she has the personality of a side character on Dawson's Creek.

The Shield v. Kofi Kingston/The Usos
-OK, these guys have now beaten super-teams such as Orton/Sheamus/Big Show, Team Hell No and Undertaker, and Team Hell No and Cena...and you think Kofi Kingston and The Usos are gonna get it done?  It was a good match but it didn't advance any sort of narrative and there was no chance Shield was losing to Kofi Kingston and two guys that haven't been on TV in several weeks.
-I got excited when I saw Dean Ambrose eyeing the US title but it was for naught.  It got me thinking, though: why don't The Shield still have the tag titles?  Did they just give them back because they felt bad?  Having them take the titles hostage until Extreme Rules would have been a great way to hype the increasingly inevitable tag title match with Team Hell No.

Antonio Cesaro v. Zach Ryder
-Michael Cole is SO IMPRESSED that Kofi Kingston was able to improvise by doing the Trouble In Paradise to the BACK of Cesaro's head instead of his face.  INNOVATION!
-Antonio Cesaro: "I put the W in WWE."  A-FUCKING-MEN!  So glad to see WWE pushing Cesaro again.
-"Is that all the competition you've got for me?" says the guy who just won his first match in like a month...

-"DAS SOME DEEP CRUST!"

-Paul Heyman whistling Fandango's theme song while Lesnar ominously stares down poor defenseless WWE employee who appears to be peeing his pants...for...the...win...
-Oh God.  The sledgehammer on the wall.  I can't.  I just can't.
-Destruction of upholstery, office supplies, and personal electronics = EXTREEEEEME!!!
-Here comes Triple H to stand in the ring and Triple H because Triple H.  This is pretty much the best summary I can come up with for everything that happened after Triple H's music hit.  Of course, the crowd ate it up with a spoon because, well, Triple H.
-"I know a little thing about extreme, Paul.  I am a founding member of a little thing called D-Generation X."  Yeah.  Dick jokes and high school pranks are hard-fucking-core.

-Lawler before the Divas match: "Guys, I'd like to apologize right now for my behavior."  No you fucking wouldn't, Jerry.  That's a heinous lie and you're an ignoramus for thinking anyone would believe it.  Not that those words rhyme or anything.

-Is Mark Henry really the only one in the WWE that knows how to play to a crowd that keeps doing the "WHAT?" chant?  That was the best interplay with a crowd hellbent on "WHAT" chants I've ever seen.  "Ya'll a buncha puppets!"  Perfect.
-OK, so this week on "Sheamus is Totally a Face, Guys":  Sheamus comes out and challenges Mark Henry to a match, knowing it won't happen because he already has one booked with Wade Barrett, pretends he's going to throw Barrett into Henry, causing Henry to fall out of his chair, then when Henry gets up he Brogue Kicks him in the face.  Luckily, Henry would get his revenge.  Two trainers come down to attend to him after the Brogue Kick and he steals one of their belts and does...THIS...


via WWE.com
via WWE.com


-Apparently that first dance-off was so popular that we have to have another one, this time a SUPER SERIOUS one between Fandango and Jericho.  WWE just can't let themselves be happy, can they?

Kane v. Ryback
-Ryback, you ignorant slut.  Can you go ONE match without popping out of your top?

Ryback Nip-Slip Redux

-Ryback, you genius.  Of COURSE you bailed when Shield showed up.  You use logic.  Does anyone really think that because Daniel Bryan showed up that means you aren't still going to get your brains beaten in?  Moreover, John Cena, in predictably dumb fashion, decided to show up to back up Daniel Bryan for no real reason other than they were teammates once and you, Ryback, once again being the only logical person in the room, use the opportunity to take out John Cena.  Oh, Ryback.  Let me love you.  You've earned it.

SMACKDOWN 5/10/13

-YES!  YES!  YES!  TONIGHT!  DANIEL BRYAN!  DEAN AMBROSE!  THE WRESTLING GODS HAVE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS!

-Yay!  One more guy who has NOTHING to do with the situation between Ryback and Cena going out of his way to call Ryback a coward!  Not only that, but Jericho claims that if Ryback beats a one-legged John Cena in a Last Man Standing match at Extreme Rules to become WWE champ, he will lose the respect of the WWE fans.  As if WWE wrestlers don't CONSTANTLY use openly shady means to become champions (like, say, cashing in Money in the Bank contracts on guys who have just been injured while the crowd SCREAMS WITH JOY). 

-Poor Cody Rhodes has so much potential and he just can't get past being a jobber to the likes of freaking Kofi Kingston for crying out loud.  If anyone should have to actually work for more than 5 minutes to beat Cody Rhodes it's Kington.

-BROCK AND HHH.  FACE TO FACE.  About damn time.

-I legitimately love when Zeb Coulter calls people who work for the company he works for the "lamestream media."  He then goes on to reiterate his joke about Alberto Del Rio's experience with ladders, calls him a "criminale" and then closes out by emphasizing the importance of "taking our country back."  Didn't Linda McMahon just get done running for Congress as a Tea Party candidate?  Is this one big thinly-veiled Vince McMahon "fuck you" to his wife?  Cuz this is a freaking dead on parody of a teabagger and I'm loving every minute of it.

WE THE PEOPLE

-HOLY SHIT THIS FEUD.  I've already wasted enough words on how amazingly every one of these people have been working together so I'll spare you that but specifically over the last two weeks, the work they've been doing assaulting each other with ladders in creative ways has been pitch perfect.  I know I shouldn't be surprised when a group of wrestlers hypes up a PPV match in EXACTLY the right way and does it incredibly effectively but that's where we are at this point.  The match at Extreme Rules has a lot to live up to but I can't imagine it not delivering because all seven people involved will be going all out and every one of them has proven how capable they are of making it a memorable match.  Check out the WWE FanNation video on YouTube...



Daniel Bryan v. Dean Ambrose
-"You got a guy that looks like a goat with a partner who wears a mask and you're calling Ambrose a strange dude?"
"Good point."
-JBL on Michael Cole's claim that Shield was about to interfere: "You don't know that!  They might have been coming over for a closer look!"
-JBL and Michael Cole actually do their job for once and correct Josh Matthews when he claims this might be the first time The Shield loses (because Dean Ambrose is not The Shield, Josh...this isn't brain surgery...one is one person and the other is three people).  Wait, did I just make three positive points about the announce team in a row?  What the hell is going on here?  Where am I?
-You did NOT just do that to me, Kofi Kingston.  I am officially done defending you to people.  I know it's WWE Creative's fault, not yours, but still.  Between beating Cody Rhodes in under 5 minutes and interrupting the best match-up of pure wrestling talent on WWE TV since the last time Daniel Bryan and CM Punk went at it, you and I are now enemies.

Yeah, this match ruled...for a while, anyway...until Kofi Kingston ruined EVERYTHING...

-I love Damien Sandow being in Mark Henry's cheering section as he pulls the semi trucks.  I hope they stay friends forever.  I hope Mark Henry becomes the dean of Rhodes Scholars.
-Jesus Christ, Matt Striker, will you stop asking Mark Henry questions every five fucking seconds?!
-Wow.  I gotta say, when I first heard about this segment, I thought it was kinda dumb (especially after seeing him in tug-of-wars and arm wrestling matches) but after seeing it, it was actually really effective.  If Mark Henry seriously pulled those two semi trucks then that's seriously insane.

-Oh good.  Randy Orton is going to talk.  I feel dumber already.

Big Show v. Tensai
-This entire segment = rubbing two sticks together to make fire.  Randy Orton makes veiled threat to Big Show.  Send Tensai out to job for Big Show.  Send Randy out to RKO Big Show.  Aren't you excited to see them wrestle at Extreme Rules now?  Hello?  Anybody?

-So at least WWE figured out not to let Divas not named AJ or Kaitlyn talk (except for Natalya, with all the grace and personality of a cinder block).  I'm still not really sold on Kaitlyn but she tries and actually she works really well with AJ.  But for this segment, none of that matters.  All that matters...is this...

"BUDAKA BUDAKA!  619!"
No, Khali.  You can't be Cody Rhodes.

-"Aren't I the best?"  Dear God YES.  Every time I think there's no possible way I can love Khali more, he proves me so very wrong that I feel almost downright foolish.  It's a good thing Khali seems like pretty much the only male WWE wrestler not pumped so full of steroids that he would actually be game for a man-hug because OH MY GOD LET ME FUCKING HUG YOU.
(-It's kinda sad how Natalya's only redeeming personality trait is being attached to Khali.  She's so bad she actually brings Kaitlyn down.  I'm starting to think that this is actually the biggest reason I haven't been sold on Kaitlyn yet, especially after watching her segment with AJ which was ten times more entertaining and interesting.)

Ryback v. Chris Jericho
-Dear Guy Who Lost His Phone Thanks to Chris Jericho's Head: That shit is a bummer, dude.  I hope one of the camera guys got you your phone back.  Still, if you're in the first row, you gotta be a little more careful and hold your phone so that if it falls, it at least falls where you can get it back and hope it ain't broke.  Also, I could have sworn I saw Ryback or Jericho inconspicuously stomp on it.

That phone only had one day left until retirement...

-OH MY GOD THANK YOU JOSH MATTHEWS!  Interrupting Michael Cole schpiel #4857 about how much "adversity" Cena has "overcome" to say he's more of a homer for Cena than JR was for Stone Cold has to EASILY rank as the greatest thing Josh Matthews has ever done on television.
-Good match.  I loved Jericho countering the Shell Shock right at the moment where this was starting to look like a job (although it didn't really look that good since Ryback just kind of let go of him) and turning it into the Walls of Jericho to let Ryback show his strength by getting to the ropes (although actually breaking the hold would have sold it better).  I also really like the idea of having Ryback get disqualified although I think the last time someone got disqualified for throwing a guy into the ring post was like 1979.  I'll take it, though.  Ryback is a legit monster and probably the best new big man to come out of WWE since...well, I dunno, it's been quite a while since I really followed WWE but...Brock Lesnar, maybe?

Ryback just cannot for the life of him keep his nips in his singlet