Friday, May 3, 2013

Fake Fighting Digest -- TNA iMPACT 5/2/13: THAT MEANS BONER!

-Our show opens with Hogan claiming that he and Sting "almost came to blows" last week.  I guess if you widen the definition of "almost coming to blows" to include "having a baseball bat pointed at your throat" then yeah, they totally "almost came to blows."

Hats off to you, "Heel Turn" sign guy.  I'm with you.

-So last week Sting and Hogan "almost came to blows" and then this week Hogan apologizes to Sting and kisses his feet and everything is peachy again.
-Hogan says a title shot isn't going to be handed to Sting nor is it going to be handed to Matt Morgan.  What IS going to be handed to both men is a match tonight to decide who gets a title shot.  This is why TNA can't have nice things.
-Not only that but Sabin has finally returned after 11 months and he's in a match with a shot at the X title on the line with Xema Ion who just lost an X title match and Sonjay "Best Wrestler Ever to Go Absolutely Nowhere" Dutt.  Can't imagine who's gonna win this one...

Kurt Angle, who exactly are you talking to?  Go home, Kurt Angle, you are drunk!

-By the way, what exactly does "Save Wrestling 2020" mean?  Is he giving himself until 2020 to save wrestling?  Is he running for president of wrestling in 2020?  Someone please explain this to me.




-Xema, will you please stop trying to make holes in the ozone layer?

Chris Sabin v. Xema Ion v. Sonjay Dutt
-Sabin looked pretty good for a guy on two bad ACLs who's been out for 11 months.
-Surprise, surprise: Sabin wins!  So now it's Sabin v. Petey Williams v. X champ Kenny King next week.  Why does TNA hate matches where the winner isn't blatantly telegraphed?

-And now, Roid Terry takes on three guys straight out of the "My New Haircut" YouTube video in a handicap match.  And TNA wonders why they can't compete with a company whose flagship program featured a tug-of-war and a dance competition this week.  We're this close to seeing footage of these three guys backstage knocking back Heinekens and Jagerbombs while scrolling through the Knockouts website on a laptop and referring to all the women as "fuckin' skanks."

Rumor has it this photo was taken from Joey Ryan's press packet for his Jersey Shore audition

-Thank God Dirty Heelz is on their way out to alleviate my suffering--if only temporarily.
-And here comes Bad Influence.  And I'm happy again.  That means boner!
-And just like that, Chavo comes along to kill my boner.  Blah, blah, blah, indeed.

-Oh, hey, Sting has to put a team together to beat Aces & Eights and now he wants to talk to Kurt Angle privately.  What could they possibly be talking about?

D-Lo Brown v. Kurt Angle ("I Quit" match)
-This is actually kinda genius on D-Lo's part.  "I Quit" matches are No DQ.  Not only that but considering Sting more than likely has recruited Angle for his team, Angle isn't gonna want to get taken out before the war with Aces & Eights.  As I speak, here comes the cavalry.
-This match actually isn't bad.  I knew Angle still had something left in the tank but I definitely didn't think D-Lo could still hang.  He's doing alright for himself, though.
-Remember when twisting out of the ankle lock was a big deal?  Back before every Tom, Dick, and D-Lo pulled this shit?  I sure do.
-Interesting.  D-Lo says "I Quit" with no interference by Aces & Eights.  They must have been testing him.  What do you wanna bet he's out of the club now?  He did bet his colors that he would take Angle out.  Maybe now they'll be called the "No D-Lo's allowed" club.  I hope D-Lo has to walk home dragging the "motorcycle of shame" behind him.
-Kurt Angle becomes person #4875 to ask A.J. Styles to be on their side and throws in a threat for good measure.  Then the two share a very intimate moment.  A.J. continues to be mute.
-You know who I miss?  Bimbo A.J.  I was watching an old Slammiversary last night from 2007 when A.J. started hanging out with Christian Cage and acting like a total ditz.  Those were the days.

Hold me...

-Guy: "You've been waiting for this for a long time."
Matt Morgan: "WAITING?!  HOW ABOUT PISSED OFF!"
THAT'S RIGHT.  MATT MORGAN HAS BEEN PISSED OFF FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME.
-Did Matt Morgan just call himself the "Franchise"?  Either Shane Douglas is at home screaming at his TV right now or he's plotting another comeback.

Gail Kim & Tara v. Mickie James & Taryn Terrell
-The Human Misogyny Machine Taz implies that Taryn Terrell has had an incredible string of lucky victories over Tara by claiming she's keeping a horseshoe in her vagina.  Well, that would explain it, wouldn't it?  I'm gonna start counting the number of times each week that I am overcome with the desire to see Don West come out of the crowd and slap the kajahijime on Taz until he passes out.  I always thought Don West was the biggest goofball and he annoyed the shit out of me on a regular basis but I would get down on my hands and knees and beg him to come back at this point.
-This might be totally sexist but am I the only one that thinks there might be a problem when your women's division is the most consistent source of quality matches in the entire company?


Matt Morgan shows up to the biggest match of his life in his best Dr. Orpheus cosplay

Matt Morgan v. Sting
-For once I agree with Taz: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WINS THIS MATCH.  There couldn't be two less intriguing candidates to face Bully Ray for the title at what is supposed to be TNA's WrestleMania.  The day either one of these guys wears the TNA Heavyweight Title is the day that TNA has truly given up.  In fact, if A.J. Styles isn't the next TNA Champion, then TNA is truly lost.  The only way this match ends well is if it ends in a no decision and neither of them becomes the #1 contender.  The only thing worse than Morgan winning this match would be Sting winning it.


What in God's name is that RIDICULOUS thing on Morgan's back?

-Good God, this is unbearably boring.  I didn't think it was possible for me to be more opposed to the idea of either of these guys getting a shot at the title until I actually watched them wrestle each other.
-Wait.  Did Hebner just call the match after only checking Morgan's arm twice?  Please tell me someone is going to explain this or at least acknowledge that it happened.
-Nope.  Nothing.  Your new #1 contender: Sting's sagging corpse.  Good night, TNA.  Thanks for nothing.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy shit bro, who cares

Vundablog said...

Obviously you care enough to anonymously debase my work. I know you're jealous that you can't write like I do but didn't your mother ever teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Especially if you're going to do it anonymously like a coward. You win at the internet, buddy.

Anonymous said...

fuck you bro, some one cares. obviously not you. so shut the fuck up and crawl under your little bridge.

Anonymous said...

Seriously why would you read this article and visit this website if you really don't care lol! laughing at you not with you!